R-Type Delta.

Image stolen from Chudah's Corner

After a week away, I'm certain all none of you are eagerly awaiting the next soundtrack, and here it is!

What I see: Well, it's blue, probably scary. Looks like the blueprints for something, actually. Some sort of gigantic multi-mouthed thingy. Ooooh, scary. Yet, strangely technical, as though you're going to go to a meeting and present the proposal for whatever scary things you're planning.

What I expect to hear: A bunch of business speak explaining how some guy is going to create a gigantic monster for fun and profit.

Would I buy it? Nope.

The Q-Mex Collection

Image stolen from Chudah's Corner, , obviously.

What I see: Poor child prodigy. Sure, you can play piano really well, and you have thick framed glasses which are apparently cool now*, but do your parents really love you? Or are they just using you as a means to get fame and (more likely) fortune for themselves? Once you're old and ugly like Macaulay Culkin, will they just drop you and steal all your money?

What I expect to hear: Well, he's sitting at a piano, looking slightly pensive, probably Beethoven?

Would I buy it? Well, I DO like Beethoven.

*Okay, thick framed glasses, it's on. Yes, I know they look good on women with dark hair who wear turtlenecks. Hell, I've got some sort of strange thing for that. But seriously, they're not cool for everyone else! I'd like to think that, as a society, we should be making our glasses thinner and more streamlined, not thickening them up like some sort of...thing...that needs thickening. When I replace my glasses, I fear I'll be stuck getting some clunky 'trendy' frames instead of something really frameless and sleek, that will blend in with my head better. I'll look horrible with trendy glasses, or at least like some insufferable hipster. I know I have hipster tendencies, but I don't want to become a full blown one! And I'm lightly annoyed by the frames on my glasses enough, how I can always see the edge of them. How bad is that going to be when the frames are bloody huge like the trend is nowdays? Pretty goddamn bad, I'll tell you what. Hell, this shit gives you a goddamn blind spot. A small one, I admit, and I've got so bloody much hair that blinds me way more, but that's hardly the point.

Maybe when I get the last silver frameless glasses in the universe (it's what I intend to get when I replace my current, lightly unattractive brown frames), I'll start a new trend. Because I am sick of thick framed glasses on anyone who isn't a dark haired girl in a turtleneck.

Pac-Man

Image again stolen from Chudah's Corner. If you like game soundtracks, maybe go there?

What I see: Around here, I know it's the drill to make some snarky comments about what the album cover looks like or might represent, but today I'll cut to the heart of the matter. This cover is shit. The Pac-men are badly drawn and colored (what the hell is wrong with their mouths?), the font is awful, the color scheme is cheap, and it generally gives the vibe of something a 5-year old would make to cover his cassette copy of the Pac Man theme he recorded off of his Atari.

What I expect to hear: See above.

Would I buy it? No. Not a chance. Though it did somehow wind up on my hard drive somehow.

N64 ANTHEMS HARDCORE EXTREME MIX

Image stolen from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: Man is this extreme or what? Look at how the background is all blurry, and the text has multiple extreme outlines! And only a totally extreme product would use about 12 different fonts. That, or one of those CDs you find in a bin tucked away in the darkest corner of Wal-Mart, right beside the compilation of top 80s hits, including Hugh Lewinson and the Current Events.

What I expect to hear: Really bad covers of songs from the games listed, obviously. Maybe with some added vocals by some tone deaf guy.

Would I buy? It says free on the cover, maybe I don't have to?

Ma-Na

Image Stolen From Chudahs Corner.

What I see: This looks less like an album cover and more like something on which to write your grocery list on. Ah, I see someone needs to buy some Ma-Na, whatever that is. Or maybe someone needs to remember to buy some files for their cabinet, specifically section Ma-Na. Whatever it is, it seems like menial household chores and not music.

What I Expect to Hear: Something light, breezy, and empty. The musical equivalent to the lady on newscasts who introduces wacky clips of dogs.

Would I buy? No, but now that you mention it, I probably do need to pick up some eggs at the store, maybe I should write it down under my Ma-Na.

L.E.D. Denjin K

Stolen from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: Cool. That's all I see. Just some cooool stuff there. The stars, the weird looking rocks, the font, the cool blues. It's just cool this cover, and I don't even know what it's supposed to be.

What I expect to hear: For some reason, it looks like some sort of dark avant-garde techno act, which is kinda cool. There would be some thundering bass and some ominous noise and it'd all be very badass and wonderful.

Would I but it? Yep. It's taking everything I've got to not just buy it right now.

Kaenseibo ~The Virgin of Meggido~

Image stolen from Chudah's Corner. I'm tired of being clever about it.

What I see: Behold my magical armpits! With these I can summon the ghosts of crumpets past! With them, I shall destroy the world!

What I expect to hear: Well, from the title and the skirt fluttering like it belongs to Merilyn Monroe, I have a sneaking suspicion this is some sort of porno game. And thus, it probably sounds like porno music.

Would I buy? Ahhh, no.

J.D.K. Band 1

Image stolen from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: This looks sort of like a belt buckle, no? One of those big ones, that are oval and generally advise against messing with Texas. And those kinds of belt buckles are generally only worn by people who spend their lives around cattle and/or tractors. That kinda gives this a bit of a country music vibe, no? So what does J.D.K. stand for? John Deere Killahs? Jack Daniels Kicker? Jim Dog's Kenworth? I'm betting one of those is close to the money.

What I expect to hear: Something about tractors, alcoholism, and god, like all other country music.

Would I buy this? Well, if I was right, no. I would rather drill a hole through my ear than listen to most country music (and since I live in a rural area, this option is continually more and more appealing), but I've actually heard this one, and Cursed Desert is a freaking amazing track and everyone should get this album pronto.

I.Q. Remix Plus

.renroC s'haduhC morf nelotS

What I see: Techno music does this all the time. Odd minimalist white background, obviously digital image, odd track names and a package that looks like it could also be used to sell office products. It just says "hello, we are from France and like to use computers to make bleeps and bloops. Let us make a soundtrack to a Kirstin Dunst movie together."

What I expect to hear: Well, obviously, frenchmen making bleeps and bloops on a computer. It's what they do, dammit.

Would I buy it? Yeah, maybe. I love Air after all.

Hajime no Ippo: Victorious Boxers.

I stole this image from Chudahs Corner.

What I see: Well, there are boxers, but they don't look so victorious, do they? The main guy there is clearly hiding behind his fists in fear. And pretty much all of the images seem to be of either him battered and bruised, or of someone punching him in the face. Why not just call it "punching this guy and his stupid hair in the face"? I'd buy that for a dollar.

What I expect to hear: What did they play during Three Stooges movies? From the little screens, this seems to be a mix of comedy and violence, so clearly that type of thing is in order.

Would I buy it? Probably not.

G-Darius Forever

Chudahs Corner, I stole from there once. Good times

What I see: Red. Lots of red. And some text! You know who loves red? Communists! This isn't a game soundtrack at all, but communist propaganda!

What I expect to hear: What do communists listen to anyway? Whatever it is, that.

Would I buy it? Do I look like a communist to you?

(I thought the last one gave me nothing to work with...)

F-Zero

Where did I steal this image from? Chudah's Corner! When did I steal it? Earlier this morning!

What I see: Ignoring the font, this sets up something of a Top Gun vibe to it. Big close up of a jet engine, you just KNOW that we're going into the danger zone, baby. Bogey at three o'clock! Homoerotic Tom Cruise movies on your six!

What I expect to hear: Kenny Loggins, baby.

Would I buy? Actually, no. Sorry, Tom Cruise.

(You know, this was a day late, mostly because I couldn't figure out what to do with a jet engine and an ugly font. Apparently, I still can't.)

Earth Defense Force

Did I steal this image from Chudah's Corner? Yes, I did.

What I see: This is rather to the point for once, isn't it? It's a plane, used in the shooter pictured in the middle of the cover. No strange staring people, no attempts at seeming punk rock, no cracked out Japanese schoolgirls. It just says "This is the soundtrack to the game Earth Defense Force. Please buy it if your commute generally involves shooting things and driving side to side." Luckily that describes my commute pretty well.

What I expect to hear: An arcade, circa 1991.

Would I buy it? No. Arcade soundtracks from 1991 aren't exactly my cup of tea, if I'm honest.

D-Xhird Arrange Sound Trax

Still stealin' from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: "Hey, have you seen my new sword, it's pretty impressive."

"Wow, that is a pretty nice sword. Very nice craftsmanship, good shape, that's a fine blade, for certain."

"You know what I got it for?"

"Thousands of dollars? My discerning eye tells me this is a fine sword indeed."

"Nope, nothing!"

"Why, how did you manage that?"

"Killed a hobo."

"Nothing wrong with killing hobos"

What I expect to hear: That conversation. Or a large number of electric guitars battling to the death. Maybe some perverse combination of the two.

Would I buy it? No, because D-Xhird isn't pronounceable and that makes me angry.

Trauma Center - New Blood Soundtrack (or: Caduceus in Japan)

Still stealing images from Chudah's Corner

What I See: Hey guys, nice to meet you. Gee, there's a dog in the operating room, that doesn't seem very sanitary. Umm...guys? Why are you staring at me like that? Did I do something wrong? I mentioned the dog didn't I? Okay, I can see how a dog would be nice to have, you can stop staring at me now. Quit staring at me! Can't you look somewhere else? Quit staring! Stop it!

Also, nice rack in the bottom left.

What I expect to hear: Heart monitors and screaming. In that order.

Would I buy this album? If I do, will they stop starting at me?

Bahamut Lagoon Original Soundtrack

All images stolen with glee from Chudah's Corner

What I see: I appreciate the dragon, the dragon is good. He's well drawn, and seems to be right about to burn someone to death. I can get behind that. But why is it such a nice day? Look at those pretty white clouds! Yes, there's a black spot in there, maybe it's a far away area where he was finished burning and then he flew quickly to this more picturesque area to menace people, but doesn't it seem a bit too pretty and nice for an angry dragon?

What I expect to hear: A string quartet tribute to DragonForce.

Would I buy it? Not really no.

Abandoner OST.

All cover art stolen without regret from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: This cover is pure punk rock. It's just some creased black paper and some stickers, but one of those stickers is a parental advisory warning, and it just oozes that angry, DIY feel that all good punk does. And Abandoner is a pretty great title for a band anyway. I'm quite sure the text under Abandoner does kind of give up the ghost, but I can't read it so I'm sure it's all awesome and not badly translated Japanese talking about the joys of finding a record shop in Seattle. This is the kind of thing I'd like to imagine you'd find on vinyl, in a used record store on the wrong side of the tracks, the last surviving relic from a band that made a record that rocked your face off, before breaking up in a gigantic brawl that left one dead and several wounded. It should be that aggressive.

What I expect to hear: They might play poorly and the lead singer might only barely be able to sing, but they're aggressive, loud, and full of righteous anger, so they make it kick ass.

Would I buy this album based on this cover: Hells yeah!

...summer.

Here's the thing, if you're selling a CD, you want your cover art to stand out and describe the sound you're going to get. Ideally, you want to sell to people who would have never even considered buying your album before seeing that totally kickass image on the cover. Which explains why game soundtracks often go in directions entirely independent of what you're going to get. They go arty, they go strange, they get alternate titles and often unconventional artwork. They seem to be pitching music which may or may not be related to what the disc actually contains. Since I'm fascinated by cover art in all of its forms, and game soundtracks in particular have a cult following and easy to find samples, I'm going to tell you exactly what I expect to hear when I see any given album. Sound like fun? Hope so!

(All cover art stolen from Chudah's Corner, but hosted elsewhere.)

I would also like to say that while I am familiar with some of this stuff, I'm really not that familiar with most of it, and I think going in blind helps a bit.

...summer


What I see: A quick look makes it look relatively harmless, just being anime girlies groovin' to music of some kind. But just look at the two girls in the background and their dead, dead eyes. They're both on freaking drugs! The girl on the left is clearly on methamphetamine of some sort, and the one on the right? Probably heroin. And given how empty and stunned the girl in the headphones is, the red-eyed girl isn't letting her listen to the newest track off some kickass album, but is giving her a hit of something. I bet she's feeding all of these girls drugs in order to keep her under her command, before she's got a harem of bitches, farming them out on the street to sell crack or themselves, and rolling in the money. That bitch.

What I expect to hear: Extremely, and I mean extremely, cloying and happy bubblegum pop, probably in Japanese. Also, probably subliminally encouraging drug use in little girls.

Would I buy this album based on this cover? Hells no.