F-Zero

Where did I steal this image from? Chudah's Corner! When did I steal it? Earlier this morning!

What I see: Ignoring the font, this sets up something of a Top Gun vibe to it. Big close up of a jet engine, you just KNOW that we're going into the danger zone, baby. Bogey at three o'clock! Homoerotic Tom Cruise movies on your six!

What I expect to hear: Kenny Loggins, baby.

Would I buy? Actually, no. Sorry, Tom Cruise.

(You know, this was a day late, mostly because I couldn't figure out what to do with a jet engine and an ugly font. Apparently, I still can't.)

Earth Defense Force

Did I steal this image from Chudah's Corner? Yes, I did.

What I see: This is rather to the point for once, isn't it? It's a plane, used in the shooter pictured in the middle of the cover. No strange staring people, no attempts at seeming punk rock, no cracked out Japanese schoolgirls. It just says "This is the soundtrack to the game Earth Defense Force. Please buy it if your commute generally involves shooting things and driving side to side." Luckily that describes my commute pretty well.

What I expect to hear: An arcade, circa 1991.

Would I buy it? No. Arcade soundtracks from 1991 aren't exactly my cup of tea, if I'm honest.

D-Xhird Arrange Sound Trax

Still stealin' from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: "Hey, have you seen my new sword, it's pretty impressive."

"Wow, that is a pretty nice sword. Very nice craftsmanship, good shape, that's a fine blade, for certain."

"You know what I got it for?"

"Thousands of dollars? My discerning eye tells me this is a fine sword indeed."

"Nope, nothing!"

"Why, how did you manage that?"

"Killed a hobo."

"Nothing wrong with killing hobos"

What I expect to hear: That conversation. Or a large number of electric guitars battling to the death. Maybe some perverse combination of the two.

Would I buy it? No, because D-Xhird isn't pronounceable and that makes me angry.

Trauma Center - New Blood Soundtrack (or: Caduceus in Japan)

Still stealing images from Chudah's Corner

What I See: Hey guys, nice to meet you. Gee, there's a dog in the operating room, that doesn't seem very sanitary. Umm...guys? Why are you staring at me like that? Did I do something wrong? I mentioned the dog didn't I? Okay, I can see how a dog would be nice to have, you can stop staring at me now. Quit staring at me! Can't you look somewhere else? Quit staring! Stop it!

Also, nice rack in the bottom left.

What I expect to hear: Heart monitors and screaming. In that order.

Would I buy this album? If I do, will they stop starting at me?

Bahamut Lagoon Original Soundtrack

All images stolen with glee from Chudah's Corner

What I see: I appreciate the dragon, the dragon is good. He's well drawn, and seems to be right about to burn someone to death. I can get behind that. But why is it such a nice day? Look at those pretty white clouds! Yes, there's a black spot in there, maybe it's a far away area where he was finished burning and then he flew quickly to this more picturesque area to menace people, but doesn't it seem a bit too pretty and nice for an angry dragon?

What I expect to hear: A string quartet tribute to DragonForce.

Would I buy it? Not really no.

Abandoner OST.

All cover art stolen without regret from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: This cover is pure punk rock. It's just some creased black paper and some stickers, but one of those stickers is a parental advisory warning, and it just oozes that angry, DIY feel that all good punk does. And Abandoner is a pretty great title for a band anyway. I'm quite sure the text under Abandoner does kind of give up the ghost, but I can't read it so I'm sure it's all awesome and not badly translated Japanese talking about the joys of finding a record shop in Seattle. This is the kind of thing I'd like to imagine you'd find on vinyl, in a used record store on the wrong side of the tracks, the last surviving relic from a band that made a record that rocked your face off, before breaking up in a gigantic brawl that left one dead and several wounded. It should be that aggressive.

What I expect to hear: They might play poorly and the lead singer might only barely be able to sing, but they're aggressive, loud, and full of righteous anger, so they make it kick ass.

Would I buy this album based on this cover: Hells yeah!

...summer.

Here's the thing, if you're selling a CD, you want your cover art to stand out and describe the sound you're going to get. Ideally, you want to sell to people who would have never even considered buying your album before seeing that totally kickass image on the cover. Which explains why game soundtracks often go in directions entirely independent of what you're going to get. They go arty, they go strange, they get alternate titles and often unconventional artwork. They seem to be pitching music which may or may not be related to what the disc actually contains. Since I'm fascinated by cover art in all of its forms, and game soundtracks in particular have a cult following and easy to find samples, I'm going to tell you exactly what I expect to hear when I see any given album. Sound like fun? Hope so!

(All cover art stolen from Chudah's Corner, but hosted elsewhere.)

I would also like to say that while I am familiar with some of this stuff, I'm really not that familiar with most of it, and I think going in blind helps a bit.

...summer


What I see: A quick look makes it look relatively harmless, just being anime girlies groovin' to music of some kind. But just look at the two girls in the background and their dead, dead eyes. They're both on freaking drugs! The girl on the left is clearly on methamphetamine of some sort, and the one on the right? Probably heroin. And given how empty and stunned the girl in the headphones is, the red-eyed girl isn't letting her listen to the newest track off some kickass album, but is giving her a hit of something. I bet she's feeding all of these girls drugs in order to keep her under her command, before she's got a harem of bitches, farming them out on the street to sell crack or themselves, and rolling in the money. That bitch.

What I expect to hear: Extremely, and I mean extremely, cloying and happy bubblegum pop, probably in Japanese. Also, probably subliminally encouraging drug use in little girls.

Would I buy this album based on this cover? Hells no.