J.D.K. Band 1

Image stolen from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: This looks sort of like a belt buckle, no? One of those big ones, that are oval and generally advise against messing with Texas. And those kinds of belt buckles are generally only worn by people who spend their lives around cattle and/or tractors. That kinda gives this a bit of a country music vibe, no? So what does J.D.K. stand for? John Deere Killahs? Jack Daniels Kicker? Jim Dog's Kenworth? I'm betting one of those is close to the money.

What I expect to hear: Something about tractors, alcoholism, and god, like all other country music.

Would I buy this? Well, if I was right, no. I would rather drill a hole through my ear than listen to most country music (and since I live in a rural area, this option is continually more and more appealing), but I've actually heard this one, and Cursed Desert is a freaking amazing track and everyone should get this album pronto.

I.Q. Remix Plus

.renroC s'haduhC morf nelotS

What I see: Techno music does this all the time. Odd minimalist white background, obviously digital image, odd track names and a package that looks like it could also be used to sell office products. It just says "hello, we are from France and like to use computers to make bleeps and bloops. Let us make a soundtrack to a Kirstin Dunst movie together."

What I expect to hear: Well, obviously, frenchmen making bleeps and bloops on a computer. It's what they do, dammit.

Would I buy it? Yeah, maybe. I love Air after all.

Hajime no Ippo: Victorious Boxers.

I stole this image from Chudahs Corner.

What I see: Well, there are boxers, but they don't look so victorious, do they? The main guy there is clearly hiding behind his fists in fear. And pretty much all of the images seem to be of either him battered and bruised, or of someone punching him in the face. Why not just call it "punching this guy and his stupid hair in the face"? I'd buy that for a dollar.

What I expect to hear: What did they play during Three Stooges movies? From the little screens, this seems to be a mix of comedy and violence, so clearly that type of thing is in order.

Would I buy it? Probably not.

G-Darius Forever

Chudahs Corner, I stole from there once. Good times

What I see: Red. Lots of red. And some text! You know who loves red? Communists! This isn't a game soundtrack at all, but communist propaganda!

What I expect to hear: What do communists listen to anyway? Whatever it is, that.

Would I buy it? Do I look like a communist to you?

(I thought the last one gave me nothing to work with...)

F-Zero

Where did I steal this image from? Chudah's Corner! When did I steal it? Earlier this morning!

What I see: Ignoring the font, this sets up something of a Top Gun vibe to it. Big close up of a jet engine, you just KNOW that we're going into the danger zone, baby. Bogey at three o'clock! Homoerotic Tom Cruise movies on your six!

What I expect to hear: Kenny Loggins, baby.

Would I buy? Actually, no. Sorry, Tom Cruise.

(You know, this was a day late, mostly because I couldn't figure out what to do with a jet engine and an ugly font. Apparently, I still can't.)

Earth Defense Force

Did I steal this image from Chudah's Corner? Yes, I did.

What I see: This is rather to the point for once, isn't it? It's a plane, used in the shooter pictured in the middle of the cover. No strange staring people, no attempts at seeming punk rock, no cracked out Japanese schoolgirls. It just says "This is the soundtrack to the game Earth Defense Force. Please buy it if your commute generally involves shooting things and driving side to side." Luckily that describes my commute pretty well.

What I expect to hear: An arcade, circa 1991.

Would I buy it? No. Arcade soundtracks from 1991 aren't exactly my cup of tea, if I'm honest.

D-Xhird Arrange Sound Trax

Still stealin' from Chudah's Corner.

What I see: "Hey, have you seen my new sword, it's pretty impressive."

"Wow, that is a pretty nice sword. Very nice craftsmanship, good shape, that's a fine blade, for certain."

"You know what I got it for?"

"Thousands of dollars? My discerning eye tells me this is a fine sword indeed."

"Nope, nothing!"

"Why, how did you manage that?"

"Killed a hobo."

"Nothing wrong with killing hobos"

What I expect to hear: That conversation. Or a large number of electric guitars battling to the death. Maybe some perverse combination of the two.

Would I buy it? No, because D-Xhird isn't pronounceable and that makes me angry.